The A.S.S Initiative

Let me start by saying this idea in no way  involves chicks from Magic City or any other "gentleman's club".

Sorry.

This post  is a comedian's serious  advice to people. It's about Avoiding Stupid Situations.

I was going to use a four letter word that sounds like SPIT in place of situations, but who know this thing could take off!

I don't want Oprah and David Letterman to have moral issues when it's time to book me for an interview.

So, let's lay it out simple and plain right now because I see so many young men making the same mistakes.

Don't ever be afraid to say no.
Don't worry about people not thinking you're cool.
You'll be much cooler  outside of jail mackin' to the pretty girls then you will be trying to stave off the romantic advances of a cellmate named BOOTY WARRIOR.

Which takes us to this scenario...
If someone wants you to hold/hide their gun, their dope, their money, a purloined bag of potato chips or anything JUST SAY NO.

I can promise you that much dealing with police and the court system can be avoided if you just don't  take up time with people who look to put you or most importantly your freedom in danger.

So .. Let's say you agree to hide or hold whatever it is for said person.

Because you want them to think you're cool.

Then when you get stopped or have a legitimate emergency and the police discover whatever it is in your residence..in your car or on your person, saying "it's not mine" doesn't really hold up well to the police.

"Well it was in your pocket/glove compartment/between your butt crack".

Of course you'll be faced with the dilemma..tell on this person or claim that the stuff is mine and go to jail..go to court..because I'm not a snitch.

What do you think is going to happen when they call and ask the  person who you were holding said items for their side of the story?

"My bad officer, go ahead and let him go, that's MY stuff, I'll run downstairs right now and you can lock ME up..go ahead and let him go...it's mine."

That doesn't happen. Not even on movies on ABC Family Channel.

So, please guys, don't be concerned with street cred or being liked by the hustler who appears to have it all.

Real hustlers ring the bell to start  trading on The NASDAQ and not from front porches.
Real hustlers don't constantly have to tell you how much money they have, it's in  a bank or in an offshore account.
Real hustlers don't sweat the hustle, because their money is so incredibly long and strong  even their unborn great grandchildren are set for life.
It's called generational wealth.

So, do your best to AVOID STUPID SITUATIONS.
Sometimes these decisions will be tough.
They might even involve really pretty girls who think they are hustlers.
That pressure can be tough.
But again, avoid stupid situations that put your freedom, your reputation, your credit score at risk.
*The sky is the limit as far as achievement in any field as long as you work hard, have all your boxes checked for requirements and don't have anything STUPID lingering that the next one thousand applicants don't have.

On my next blog we'll focus on the ladies and how the A.S.S Initiative can change your life.



(* Read this part really fast like the last 10 seconds of A  car commercial. It's not a perfect world, remember it doesn't hurt to know people, have straight teeth, good breath and a nice booty.)

Blue Moon Beer

So I’m killing time at the Harris Teeter Cameron Village in the vast beer and wine section when I stumble across a Blue Moon label I wasn’t familiar with.

It took me back to my first encounter with an ice cold Blue Moon with an orange slice.

Talk about love at first sip!

So the artful geniuses at Blue Moon Brewing created this Vintage Blond Ale.

It’s a  delicious combination of beer and wine.

It  uses juice from  chardonnay grapes, Mittelfruh  hops and white wheat .

I’ll never forget when my good friend Robert Flanagan, his beautiful wife Tavie and their awesome kids had us over for a party.

Robert pointed to the bucket and said with that one eyebrow cool that states between friends “No joke”..’you’re hip to the Blue Moon right”?

He damn near put the party on hold to get me an orange slice.

This was late 90’s early 2000…when the craft brewing world was just cranking up with serious force.

That revolution is still growing strong.

Since then, the way I measure a watering hole is…”Do you have Blue Moon?”

Tell me about your Blue Moon or craft beer experience, like my blog and spread it around.

When is it ok to burn a bridge?

Anyone who knows me is well aware that I don't sugar coat things.
I never had the ability to beat around the bush or dumb things down.
It's truly not a skill I grew into as an adult.
I've always believed that people are responsible for their own emotional and spiritual well being.
So, I think if you have a bad vibe about someone and their intentions for your spiritual or emotional well being, it's OK to give them the Heisman and keep on trucking like Eddie Kendricks.

Now when I burn a bridge, I make sure I do it with gasoline.
If I  can't trust you then I don't want you around me.
It's that simple.
Put yourself first.
Don't be discouraged if people call you stuck up or eccentric or hard to get along with.
Imagine your life if you did everything people wanted YOU to do without ever thinking of your own wants...needs or dreams.
I truly believe in myself.
The greatest love of all is the love of self.
I think if more people started with that, the world would be a much better place.

Tribute poem for Gil Scott Heron

 I wrote this poem last year  after learning of the death of Gil Scot Heron.

I always admired his sense of humor and delivery.
I call it...

Gil In Heaven

I made it.
Here I am.
After Small talk at 125th and Lennox and playing on stages all over the world
I made my transition.
Watch out! I’m in heaven ya’ll!
On earth I ....I talked  about politics and lunatics
And tried to make the people think
They called me the godfather of rap and I said
"Don’t put that one on me."
Cause you know I loved the rappers and all they had to say...
I just used my voice to set a tone..and called it "bluesology" all the way.
I hope you’ll agree the road was hard
And filled with twists and turns.
I want to thank you for listening to my voice as I went from thoughts to words..to poems.
I’m not worried about my legacy or how I’ll be portrayed.
Just know I was here and I had a lot to say.
So it’s the pearly gates and all that mess st peter here I am!
You’ll all be surprised as me to find that God ...ain’t a man.
I knew it! I knew it! I knew it all the time.
I just didn’t think I’d look on the face of mother nature and think she was so damn  fine.
Feelin  the warmth of love on me as the master of all time…shines her light on me ..wraps her arms around me and says
Your trip was long and don’t worry bout no  sins
Take off your coat and your hat honey..GIL…
Just Come on in.

Jon Champion

People say the dumbest things!

I wish I was R. Lee Ermey for five minutes today.
This morning, I'm minding my own business walking out to get the newspaper when I'm greeted by a neighbor.
He always prides himself on leaving his utility  shed unlocked and telling people to borrow what they want at will.
I call him Ned Flanders.

So he asks me if i took his leaf blower and failed to return it.
"I'm not accusing you or anything.."
There is nothing worse you can call a man who goes to work everyday than a thief.
I replied "Well I wouldn't have any need for a leaf blower..
seeing as how i don't have any trees..with leaves..or anything that needs a leaf blower."
He went on to explain to me for the 20th time that he never locks the ugly shed he built by hand because he did something when he built it  and the door won't shut right.
Mind you he's a carpenter..a crappy one.
In the ten years I've lived next door to him, he has never been able to build a latch or bail to secure his property.
So he uses his claim of neighborliness to cover the fact that he can't fix this mess of a tee pee/lean- to that he managed to slap a roof on without killing himself.
I come home from work many a day and see the wind slamming the door open and closed all the time.
Then in the next breath he asks to borrow my weed trimmer.
I let him. 
Then asked me,
"When I'm done you want me to just leave it laying up against the house...?"
I said.."no...knock on my door and let me know you returned it...SO I CAN LOCK IT BACK UP."
Part of me wants to go out and  buy him a lock and a chain.
Personal responsibility is out the window.
I miss being in the military and being around people that had common sense.
I feel good about my growth and maturity as a person.
There was a time when I would have went full RICHARD PRYOR on a joker for even approaching me with something so stupid.
Here's one of my favorite scenes from FULL METAL JACKET
that says it best.

Fast ferry ride to Cape Lookout

My wife and I recently took a ferry to Cape Lookout from Harkers Island.
The ferry company was great, I highly recommend these folks.
It's called Local Yokel Ferry and Tours.
Check out the video to see the really fast ride, people holding onto
hats..glasses..hairbows  and some other great surprises on the way to the Cape.

Funny mugshots

Apologies in advance if these pictures are your cousins mothers brothers loved ones etc.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words...
but these pictures and the charges still needed my comic touch.
This is in no way saying those charged are guilty..of being anything other than fun to pick on.

First up is this girl..smiling like it's time for a prom pic.
she is charged with Resisting public officer, Malicious conduct by prisoner, Intoxicated and disruptive.
That sounds like it was a fun night.

I also love the facial expressions that could be saying.."I'm so surprised I got caught"

Embezzlement.

Or the classic "whatever man" face.

 Misdemeanor larceny, Common law robbery.

I love this one too..the classic "ya got me dang" sideways grin.

Att obtain prop false pretense, Simple assault, Misdemeanor larceny.

This lady gets the "Let me put my makeup on before this mugshot cause they ain't gonna have me on the web looking crazy girl" award.

Obtain property false pretense

I don't know what to say about this one...I think the charge says it all...

Charge:

Dangerous drugs

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